Feminine Expression of Emotions vs Reactions
I say feminine because it works in a completely different way for men. This should NOT be mirrored in the view of 50/50 fairness ideas and saying one thing but acting a different way. Seen in a lack of integrity in the man for preaching one thing and doing the opposite. It’s just completely different.
Men are the ones to lead and need to express judgment clearly and directly and yes that will surely be triggering. The more he steps into his masculinity more direct and unapologetic he will be as he is gaining more certainty and strength in his capabilities and what he desires.
The masculine is about safety. He leads, provides and protects the children and women.
Men need to set boundaries, rules and teach their woman how to be around him in order to get to the vision he sets for them (and that she willingly accepts of course). She represents him in her submission and trust. She is his representation of his own masculinity. In public this especially shows. But that’s another topic.
He’s not insecure or sensitive because you choose to use the wrong words in expressing yourself. He’s pointing out your deflections. Your judgments of him. Your lack of accountability. Your forgetfulness of your essence.
He wants to bring out the best in you. For you, for him and for the vision to come to reality. Staying quiet is his insecurity. It’s his fear that you will get upset like his mom did as a kid. He is reminding you of your external focus instead of your connection to god, your ability to submit, surrender and forgetfulness of the whole.
OK, so now that I’ve prefaced this. Back to feminine communication.
There’s a big difference between expressing the primary emotions vs reactions to the emotions. The raw emotion is instinctive. The reaction is learned behaviour. Reactionary expression arises from the logical mind and come after the heart of emotions. A man wants to feel your heart, not your head.
The purpose of reactionary expression is to cover up the sensitive emotions with something less sensitive. In this way, they are a way of protecting the self from being vulnerable.
Staying in reaction vs emotion will only lead to more hurt and pain as they build up over time, especially if they are emotions such as guilt and resentment. This leads to break up.
These reactions are often learned in childhood from parents or other people in our lives. No one can make you feel guilt, you only feel guilt when there is truth to what is said. And that may make you feel sad.
Expressing reactions happen because we have judgments or beliefs about certain emotions. If you’ve grown up where you were criticized for getting upset and showing raw emotions you move to expressing reactions. A defence.
All uncomfortable universal emotions can be narrowed down to 3: Sadness, fear and anger and oftentimes we feel “numb”, not an emotion but something that arises out of not knowing what we are feeling.
You may say you feel hurt but really we feel sad or angry. Saying I feel hurt assumes someone hurt you. It will have a different outcome than saying I feel sad. Saying I feel neglected assumes someone neglected you. Saying I feel disrespected assumes someone disrespected you. See the difference in taking ownership?
More importantly is what happens after you were honest about the feeling and that is — allowing for a deeper inquiry. This is where it takes humility and acceptance of the other. It takes connecting to the heart and intent that deep down you know of this person. It may feel like he hates you in that moment but it’s not the case.
Expressing reactions instead of emotions are learned or habitual, protective, defensive and avoidant, a deflection, can numb emotions, do not listen to what the emotions are asking, comes from a place of ‘I should not feel sad’ or ‘I should not feel any anger” so I will express blame and judgment.
Reactions are motivated by pain reduction, they linger around (sometimes for days, weeks or years) and lead to distance and disconnect from our goals and the people we love.
Expressing from reaction as a woman doesn’t solve anything and leads you to go in circles. When you learn to be more vulnerable by recognizing the deeper instinctual emotions you learn to know yourself better, to get out of the victim self and to reconnect with something bigger than you — God and your role as a woman.
Getting to the core emotion you can then ask yourself why do I feel this sadness? Not from a place of digging into your history but by reconnecting with the one truth — the remembrance of who you are and what your role is as a woman. This is where you can ask yourself where you take ownership and responsibility as oppose to projecting that onto your man. A woman needs to remember the interconnectedness of it all.
A perfection when she lets go. A safety in surrender. And unlike the popularized feminist ideology (that’s infiltrated the goddess/empowered) movement that gives women what they want to hear. Respect fuels devotion. Women want a man, taller, more intelligent, Richard, stronger than they are well they need to submit to that.
What ZEN calls Wu Wei. Or like Alan watts has said so brilliantly “When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float’ and that ‘insecurity is the result of trying to be secure.” The word trying can be replaced by the word control. It’s about letting go of control and falling into trust.
A leader is in charge of controlling the external world and the feminine controls her expression. A leader holds his follower accountable. And a leader is held accountable by GOD and himself only. If you trust his heart, then communicate from emotion not reaction and remember who you are.
